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Clintonville - As many BZ’s readers may recall, the news of our lead paranormal investigator’s disappearance was recently posted by The Third Fictional Reporter. In that article TFR reported, "The Shadow’s growing number of creditors, including BZ, have decided to pool our funds, and hire a professional cryptozoologist to track his Shadowy Ass down [...] The compensation packet includes: beer (fizzy, yellow, American beer that’s like $5 for a 12-pack – don’t touch my New Castle Brown, bitch), and nightly use of our flashlight." Well, we've recieved responses to that job posting.

Since the Visa card linked to the expense account used by The Shadow has long been maxed out at the $25 limit and disabled, we, the BZ managing editors, have all the time we need to go over the email and resumes sent in by those interested in the job and share some of the standouts with you the readers. Your comments are welcome in helping us choose the right inebriate to become BZ's staff cryptozoologist.

Here's one that seems interesting:

Director Doctor Jake Willoughby Prescott Handson IV, Phd.

Continue reading "Will Work For Drink; Thirsty Bastards Need Jobs Too!" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – The round-the-clock vigil at the BAGD’s tomb has continued unabated since its interment on Sunday. Every few minutes a new mourner comes along and the rats scatter as he or she tosses a tribute bag onto or around the tomb, which has long since been filled with such bags. The mourners stop coming around three or four AM, when the war between rats and raccoons rages, but they start showing up again just before sunrise, when we’re stumbling in somnambulance so pre-dawn corpses come to life.

In an effort to understand this unexpected outpouring of love and support, I attempted to interview a mourner at 2:30 this morning, but she was overcome with grief. You can watch the interview below.

The police came shortly after the Third Fictional Reporter attacked this pretty young girl in that most romantic of places – by the dumpsters.

Hoping to gain some kind of insight into the kinds of feelings these mourners have for the BAGD, and, more to the point, why, we forced BZ laborers to do a statistical analysis of the contents of many, many tribute bags. Though we have not gained any insight, we have turned the data they gathered during hours and hours of labor under unsanitary conditions into this clean and colorful pie chart:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Gdansk, Poland – Blabbermouth.net reports that Behemoth frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski really does have leukemia. Readers may remember that on August 8th, BZ reported, based solely on message board posts, that Nergal may have leukemia. At that time all that was known was that Nergal had been taken to the Hematology Department at Gdansk Medical University Hospital, which is where you would go if you were in Poland and had leukemia. For once the douche bags on the message boards turned out to be right. And fuck them for it. Fuck them. According to Blabbemouth’s report, Nergal’s leukemia is advanced, and he is in dire need of a bone marrow transplant.

Blabbermouth.net also reports that, Nergal’s “fiancée, 26-year-old Polish pop singer Doda (real name: Dorota Rabczewska), has reportedly already donated her bone marrow but her tissue type is not believed to be a close enough match.” Just so you know, this is what his girlfriend looks like:

Holy shit, right?

Anyway, we at BZ are extremely unhappy to hear about this, and really wish that the douche bags on the message boards would just continue being wrong. Let’s hope that Adam lives to write many more records, and to have a good life in general.

Fun facts about Nergal and Doda: Nergal has the Polish equivalent of a master’s degree in history, and is qualified to work as a museum curator. Doda has an IQ of 156, is a member of Mensa, and once spit on a man on live TV because he dared to make fun of her. She is also facing two years in prison for breaking Polish blasphemy laws.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – In the relatively minor wake of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device’s suicide, people from around Clintonville are holding an around-the-clock vigil near the BAGD’s crypt outside BZ offices.

Left: The BAGD’S sheet metal tomb is metallurgically identical to the device’s tubing, and the tomb itself is shaped like its original shipping crate. It has been painted with brown Rustoleum™ to symbolize eternal life, and that People = Shit.* Right: The tomb of Starsky the Gerbil.

Continue reading "Round-the-Clock Vigil at the BAGD’s Grave!" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS – This past Wednesday, the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device fulfilled its life-long dream of not having to get up in the morning and go through this all over again, by hanging itself from the Third Avenue Bridge in the Victorian Village neighborhood of Columbus. The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device took it extremely hard when a delusional Decanus Picto disbanded his touring group, The Biaviians, of which the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was a member, because laptop D’arcy Wretzky’s battery died, and Decanus was too wrecked to realized he could just plug her back in.

The BAGD's "happy ending," at the end of a rope tied to the 3rd Avenue Bridge. It's probably best this way.

Continue reading "BAGD Fulfills Life-Long Dream, Hangs Self" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After weeks of homelessness and industrial solvent abuse, Decanus Picto has pulled himself out of most of the mire and returned to form. I lost track of Decanus over the last two weeks because our fearless leader laid low was too depressing a sight to look at. Yesterday, however, I ran into him at the famous J T’s Lounge, in the illustrious Villa Ranchero shopping center in Box Elder, South Dakota, and found that not only is he off the hobo liquor, he’s also put together a new touring band, known as The New Biaviians. He agreed to be interviewed in exchange for a Tecate. The transcript follows.

Decanus and the New Biaviians, performing at a hole in the wall in Box Elder, South Dakota.

Continue reading "Decanus Returns to Form; Has Assembled Decanus Picto and the New Biaviians" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

The Hinterlands – The Shadow has been missing since July 30th, and there has been no sign of him anywhere – he has even stopped urinating on the BZ office doors, a nightly ritual of his for three years now. Desperate to contact The Shadow, we located his estranged wife, Consuela. Though she declined to speak with us about The Shadow’s whereabouts, she did issue this short statement: Ese hijo de puta me debe 43 dólares, y si no me paga, mi primo Ramón romperá las rodillas. Our BZ staffers are working on the translation, but right now they think it means that he’s with a really good or primo guy named Ramón. Where this Ramón is, we can’t say.

The Shadow, seen here drunk in a Florida jungle.

Continue reading "Wanted: Staff Cryptozoologist" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Gdansk, Poland – Adam “Nergal” Darski of blackened death metal band, Behemoth, has been rushed to the hospital, according to a statement on the official Behemoth website. According to unconfirmed reports (that is, message board posts) by people who are allegedly from Poland, Nergal has been taken to the Hematology Department at Gdansk Medical University Hospital, which would seem to indicate that he has leukemia, or some other form of cancer.

Nergal, the guy with the bird, is super skinny which, in retrospect, would seem like a clue that he might have been ill. And those abs aren’t really his. That’s like a I’m a tough metal guy chest plate or something. Yeah, so, the skinniness might be like a symptom. Or maybe in Poland they can actually stop eating when they aren’t hungry anymore. I wish I had that ability.

Nergal and Behemoth have been featured on BZ several times, and we like them very much even though we’re really too old to be listening to bands like that. Let’s hope that he’s OK, and that he is able to perform on the Lawless States of Heretika tour in the Fall. (Not that it's coming to Columbus or anything, but still.) Let’s also hope that he doesn’t pull a Peter Steele on us and get all religious and stuff. I mean, his whole identity is wrapped up in Satan, so it doesn’t seem like he’d do that, but. . . it didn't seem like Pete would do that, either.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Eugene, OR – Since our last report Decanus’ situation has deteriorated significantly. As anyone with a basic working knowledge of electronics would have guessed, D’arcy the laptop’s battery has died, which caused Huginn and Muninn to stop functioning, leaving Decanus and the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device the only working members of the band. Any rational man would know that this problem could be fixed – Decanus could walk into any coffee shop, plug D’arcy in for a couple of hours, and be ready for another set of sidewalk space music. However, a completely delusional Decanus will not acknowledge such a possibility.

Decanus in his reduced state, performing "unplugged." In spacemusic terms, this means saying BEEP BEEP BOOP, rather than having the computer do it.

Continue reading "Decanus Down and Out; The Biaviians Break Up!!" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS, OH – Eighteen days ago The Shadow posted an earth-shaking article that included close-up photographs of the markings on the side of an authentic flying saucer – markings that may correspond to those said to be on the sides of some of the most famous UFO’s of all time, like the famous Kecksburg Acorn, the mini-triangle Jim Penniston and John Burroughs encountered in Rendlesham Forest, and even the top secret Die Glocke, more commonly known as the “Nazi Bell,” which was one of Hitler’s most revolutionary wunderwaffe, and possibly based on extraterrestrial technology. Though certain people have recreated these markings from memory, no one but The Shadow has ever produced pictures. However, since unveiling his history-making photos, he has been scarce.

The Shadow, seen here strolling through the woods, has disappeared.

Continue reading "Where is The Shadow?" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After Decanus’ fight with the owner of Eugene’s favorite night spot, I, of course, fled the scene to avoid incarceration for possession with intent to distribute. Afterwards, I checked our favorite places in Eugene, which seemed oddly familiar, and somehow reminded me of my Atlanta days, hanging out on Albany Avenue. In any case, Decanus was nowhere to be found. The next day I made my way back to where his truck was parked, and found him sleeping inside. He agreed to be interviewed again in exchange for a cup of coffee. The transcript follows.

Decanus was forced to perform as a street musician at this bus station in Eugene, Oregon.

Continue reading "Decanus Interview Part 2: Stuck in Oregon, Dollars for Decanus Re-Opened!!!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Decanus and the Biaviians. From left to right: The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device, Huginn, D’arcy, Muninn, and Decanus.

EUGENE, OR – After his latest show at the Horsehead bar, Decanus gave the following interview.

DP*: What do you want, fatty?

FK: I just wanted to know how the tour without Broken Bells was going.

Continue reading "Decanus Interviewed at Live Show" »

As first reported by The Shadow in his latest article covering his Third Avenue Saucer Crash Investigation, the purpose of these non-worldly symbols are unknown to him. How about you? Can you explain their origin and translate their meaning?

Continue reading "Help! What The Hell Do They Mean?" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

This statue of Icarus, a dumbass who thought he could fly with wax and feathers, is in the lobby of the National Museum of the US Air Force at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base.

DAYTON – On the surface, Wright-Patterson looks like a normal air force base. On the Wright Field side, there’s a museum that houses what I’d imagine is the finest collection of American military aircraft in the world. They even have formerly classified planes, like the infamous, glowing-red U2 spy plane, and the F-117 Stealth Fighter. The Patterson side seems little different than a normal, working air force base. There are landing strips, hangars, the occasional C-130 loading cargo, soliders milling about. There does seem to be an unusual number of F-16s patrolling the area, but it is an air force base, so that could only be considered slightly out of the ordinary. But if you choose to speculate, you could draw some interesting inferences.

Continue reading "The Shadow: The Wright-Patterson Saucer Hangar Revealed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – Decanus and the Biaviians’ "Lonesome No More!" tour without Broken Bells has been going strong with stops in Detroit and Flint, MI; Spearfish, South Dakota; Mission, Kansas; Grimes, Iowa; Gothenberg, Nebraska, and now they have landed in the illustrious railroad hub Eugene, Oregon.

Decanus Picto "performing" at Eugene, Oregon's Horsehead bar.

Continue reading "Decanus Tour Turns Political" »